DBS Prelims, LLC
A BHK Lien Services, LLC Managed Asset
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JokesConstruction
Computer, Security, Construction, Internet, Banking
Economy
Merger
Jokes
Definitions in Construction
Feb/18/09 08:45 AM
Contractor - A gambler who never gets to
shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he/she left out.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in Heaven.
Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, split hairs, red tape and baloney - usually applied at random with a shot gun.
Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he/she left out.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in Heaven.
Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, split hairs, red tape and baloney - usually applied at random with a shot gun.
Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Fences Joke
Feb/04/09 08:03 AM
Fixing
Fences
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me your bids."
First the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me your bids."
First the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Groundhogs Day!
Feb/02/09 06:19 AM
It’s Groundhogs Day!
So okay, we know that the holiday is not the biggest of the year and we do not get a day off for it but there are some good things that are happening today.
According to the East Valley Tribune, Fulton homes is assuring that they will continue to pay all debts to their sub-contractors in spite of their bankruptcy. They also will be honoring their warranty work. They claim that they are better off now that they filed. We will hope that continues to be true.
Here is a list of the top ten reasons to celebrate Groundhog Day. Besides watching the movie with Bill Murray.
10. It’s on nearly every calendar.
09. Helps relieve cabin fever.
08. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St. Urho’s Day.
07. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.
06. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
05. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.
04. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
03. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows“.
02. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.
01. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.
Happy Monday!